Stop. Put down the sexy garbage collector costume and throw away the body paint. Before you start prepping your perfect Halloween costume, take a look at our list of the worst costumes. What makes a costume terrible? Glad you asked! We have 10 prime examples of costumes you should steer clear of this year. So don’t scour Goodwill for the garb of your favorite over-exposed pop-culture icon quite yet!
1. Honey Boo Boo Child
Unlike your average hipster, I do not think I’m above trash television. One of my favorite shows is The Soup because I love all the stupid, deplorable behavior you can witness on reality shows. I like to make fun of people on television so that for 30 minutes to an hour (depending on the length of the program) I get to feel good about myself by comparison. I make no apologies for this. But I’m still not sure I can allow myself to watch Here Comes Honey Boo Boo on TLC.
Somewhere around the time the Duggar’s 60th kid sprang forth from the clown car that is Michelle Duggar’s uterus, TLC forgot their initials stand for The Learning Channel. TLC is feeding an ego already too colossal for any 7 year old to have. I worry that if I watch it I’m contributing to Honey Boo Boo’s inevitable path from this program, to MTV’s 16 and Pregnant, to the Faces of Meth videos on Youtube.
You’ll just look like you’re wearing a slutty beauty contestant costume. This will not distinguish you from the other girls who are inevitably wearing slutty costumes. The world conspires to ruin Halloween for females by turning even the least sexual thing (raccoons, for example) into a blatant display of daddy issues. I’m going as a slutty Margaret Sanger this year! Unless you are carrying a live pig, are profoundly flatulent, and are downing Mountain Dew with extra sugar to rapidly develop Type 2 Diabetes — I’m not sure how people are going to recognize that you’re Honey Boo Boo.
Also, the slutty raccoon thing? Totally real. — Snow Bickley
2. Slutty Hitler
Look, we get it. Breasts and a nice posterior. There is nothing wrong with appreciating the beauty of the female body but Halloween, if I remember correctly, wasn’t always about women picking out an outfit that makes them look like the girl in the opening scene of a gangbang video. Halloween is about ghouls and ghosts. It’s a time to be spooked and embrace the things that go bump in the night. That doesn’t mean your ass, ladies. What I’m trying to say is that Halloween is about the creatures of the night, not ladies of the night. And when I’m eating candy corn, I don’t want to see your camel toe.
Another problem with the “slutty outfit” is that it’s completely lacking in creativity. You can be a slutty anything. Want to be a slutty chef? Just wear an apron and some tights. You literally just have to wear half the clothing you would any other time and voila! But if you don’t believe me that some women will forfeit good taste to be everything under the moon slutty, feast your eyes on this. Nein! Nein! Nein! — Adam Sweeney (Image via Buzzfeed)
3. Psy – Gangnam Style
If you pick a Halloween costume, you’ve got to sell it. If called upon, you have to be willing to act like the character you’re dressed up as. Sometimes people who dress up as famous musicians or dancers are asked to perform. Sometimes there can even be the occasional surprise where a costume-bearer, unprompted, shows off their talents to the delight of a crowd.
That’s probably not you. There’s an extremely low percentage chance that you can dance. And there’s an even lower percentage that people want to watch you dance if you dress up as Psy, whose Gangnum Style video went viral a few weeks ago. The reason that no one wants to see it because we’re all sick of the song already. It jumped the shark when Psy appeared on Saturday Night Live a couple of weeks ago.
The thing I love about this sketch is that SNL was clearly aware that they were helping Psy jump the shark based on the characters who enjoyed the song in the sketch. Unless you’ve got a large group of people who are willing to dress like you, learn the choreography and perform with you, you’re probably not impressing anyone with this costume.
And please, keep the dancing to yourself. — Javi Perez
Do you want to simultaneously be the creepiest person in the room AND have a heat stroke? Then look no further, because we have done all the painstaking research to fulfill your sub-par fantasies. There are absolutely no words to describe what this is. The costume description states that this giant piece of nylon is “perfect to create your own superhero or space-age villain costume.” Not a year goes by when some poor, costumeless soul doesn’t say, “I really wanted to be a space-age villain but was unable to procure a giant human blimp costume.”
If blue isn’t your color, don’t fret! This crowd-pleaser comes in red, black, orange, yellow, green, white, purple, pink and nude. Child sizes are available, so let your least favorite child know how you really feel. When it’s not Halloween, you can use this costume for it’s intended purpose: to be unrecognizable at a Nickelback concert. — Carrie Kuhlman
5. NFL Replacement Referee
Two weeks ago, we probably could have excused this costume. After all, the incompetence of NFL replacement referees nearly caused Twitter to implode like the house at the end of Poltergeist. Now, not so much. The costume has a hat trick of atrociousness surrounding it. 1) It’s a dated reference now. 2) It’s probably one of the laziest costumes you could come up with. I mean, were all the trash bags used up in your house, so you couldn’t be a ghost?
But worst of all, you know the person who wears this outfit is going to be throwing their makeshift flag everywhere at parties to make a scene. Someone dropped their drink? Excessive celebration. Fifteen yard penalty! Yuck Yuck. And inevitably, five drinks later, the ref will take it too far and play a game of “grab a girl’s backside,” before throwing a flag on himself. Unsportsmanlike Conduct! Don’t be that guy. Keep the flag and everything else in your pants, and choose a better costume. Of course, you could always go the route of slutty referee. — AS
6. “Pocahottie” Adult Costume
Here’s an idea: let’s honor one of the most notable female figures in American history with a sexy, low-cut, tight-fitting costume. No, I’m not talking about Eleanor Roosevelt here, folks. I’m talking about Rebecca Rolfe, a.k.a. Pocahontas, a.k.a the legendary savior of Captain John Smith and the Jamestown settlement. Clearly, this woman was meant to be a sex symbol.
Now you too can pay homage to subtle curves and rising peaks (I mean of the James River guys, get your mind out of the gutter) with a totally inaccurate, borderline offensive representation of Native American women in this Pocahottie costume. All you’ll need is a pair of high-heeled moccasins and a phallic-shaped peace pipe and you’ll be smokin’. So tell me, do you have what it takes to take on this renowned role? Are you a Pocahottie or a Pocanottie? -Nikki Hill
7. Mitt Romney in “Brownface”
There are two kinds of costumes that are absolutely unacceptable and uncomfortable for everyone at Halloween: 1) anything racist and 2) anything political. Unless you’re Hispanic or naturally have a brown tan, there’s no way you can pull off this look without pulling the racist stunt of “browning” yourself. And even if you could pull off the look, why on Earth would you want to dress up like Mitt Romney?
Even if you could do an impression of him, the last thing anybody wants to do is talk politics at a Halloween party or even address the fact that you’re supposed to be a presidential candidate. Even if a bunch of people think it’s funny, in all likelihood, there’s someone at the party who doesn’t. So great, you’ve just made the party awkward with a political statement. Thanks for ruining what should have been a great party where people are trying to avoid such discussions. —JP (Image courtesy AP)
8. ‘Sons of Anarchy’ T-Shirt
What is this noise? This t-shirt is legitimately being sold as a Halloween costume on one of the most popular costume websites. Anybody who shows up to a costume party wearing a ‘Sons of Anarchy’ t-shirt should be ashamed. To determine if wearing this t-shirt is or isn’t a costume, ask yourself, “Is this shirt featured in my regular wardrobe rotation?” If you answered, “yes,” then you are not wearing a costume and also have extremely low fashion standards.
The only way to turn this costume faux pas into a winning ensemble is to show up on a motorcycle with a sexy lady friend, down a handle of whiskey and strangle someone with a chain as you light them on fire (I’m assuming this is what happens on Sons of Anarchy). Go big, or go home. No really, leave the party if you aren’t going to light things on fire. — CK
9. The Tanning Mom
For those of you blissfully unaware of “The Tanning Mom” here is your education:
You’re welcome. No word yet on whether she was putting her child in a tanning booth “just to get a base.” I’m still undecided on whether I think this is a bad costume. If somewhere between my first and third Jager shot (that’s what people drink at parties, right? I’ve never been invited to one) I spot a person slathered in orange carrying a baby doll who is also stained orange, I think I’d approve. If I spot this person with an actual baby stained orange, my outward stance will be that they are a terrible parent for taking their child to a party where I’m doing Jager shots. (Right?) But my inward opinion will be that they are awesome, because I define child abuse very loosely. This is a slightly more obscure pop culture reference, so as a costume it’s not terrible. What is terrible is if someone purchases this costume. I was surprised that you can buy “The Tanning Mom Costume Kit” on Amazon for the reasonable price of $36.99.
I’m sorry, I’m not sure if my sarcasm translated there. That’s $36.99 plus shipping and handling for a blonde wig you can find at Walgreen’s, orange-y make-up you can also find at Walgreen’s, “cotton candy colored lip cream” otherwise known as lipstick (I’m pretty sure you can also find that at Walgreen’s), and a sponge applicator (which you can find at Walgreen’s but if you want to save a few bucks, just use your hands — you can find them at the end of your arms). Purchasing this “kit” announces to the party, “Hey! I’m not resourceful or creative and I manage my money poorly!” — SB
10. Characters from Magic Mike
It was only the biggest movie of the year featuring glistening male strippers contorting themselves into unimaginable, obviously intentional sexual dance moves. Okay, so it was the only movie of the year featuring glistening male strippers, but it only takes one to plant the idea for a brilliant costume. [Un]fortunately, there’s an assortment of other potential costumes to choose from besides hunky Channing Tatum for inspiration. There’s the cowboy, the fireman, Tarzan…but allow me to stop you right there because guys, this is NOT a good idea. Let’s be honest, most dudes out there don’t have rock hard abs and the legs to pull off tight leather pants. Nor do they possess exotic dance skills worthy of a striptease performance that makes thousands of women (and men) instantly drop their panties.
But maybe you’re trying to be ironic. You know, go for the whole Chris Farley Chippendale’s look, in which case, is also a horrible idea. No one wants to see a half-naked, drunken fat guy showing off his belly, dancing at the biggest house party of the year. So seriously, just put the bow tie down and walk away. We’ll never speak of this imminent disaster again. — NH
We apologize if you already dedicated a solid 25-minutes to learning the “Gangnam Style” dance, but this public service announcement is vital to preserve the minimal sanity of the entire population. Ladies, take this chance to cover yourself and wear comfortable shoes. The only thing worse than a sexy insect is a crying, barefoot sexy insect slumped over the curb complaining about how surprisingly cold it is outside, at 2AM, on the last day of October.
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